Homonymns With the Duchess & Friends
The world is full of contentious and controversial news right now. There's plenty to write about but more than enough people writing about it. We need something to pick us up and lighten things up a bit.
And we're in luck. Because I was sitting in a local chicken establishment enjoying the final few bites of a country ham biscuit, and catching up on Twitter (@BiscuitsGA), when what to my wondering eyes should appear? Her royal highness, the Duchess of Paddlefoot, Janeal Picklesimer along with her sidekick, Loucilla Pickens and their husbands, Carl and Buck, respectively.
The quartet ordered their breakfast and found their seats, luckily close enough for me to overhear the conversation.
"I tell you what", Loucilla started, "this Common Cord stuff at Junior's school is 'bout outta hand. He done come home tellin' me that they's learnin' bout homonyms. I'm gonna go up to that school today and tell 'em that I think they need to work on readin' and math and leave them homosectionals in the movies. It's like they're takin over the world. We don't need them in our schools."
Carl looked up for a second but then went back to his breakfast. Buck didn't even pause. No time for frivolous talking. They needed to eat and get to work. You know how you pass the work crews on the roadside and there's about eight people watching that one guy in the hole working his can off? Yeah. These two aren't part of the eight. They're the ones welding, wrenching, hammering. They're best friends and can communicate effectively with facial expressions, gestures and the occasional grunt. The pair once built a fishing dock in three hours with two hammers, a circular saw, a box of nails, and only 4 audible words, one of which was "beer".
"Homonyms ain't got nothin to do with that, Loucilla. They's words that sound like other words." My ears really perked up. Janeal has some education! Then she continued, "Think about rainch. Buck used a rainch to fix your plummin when the toilet backed up into your kitchen sank. And then all that nasty stuff drained back down the pipes. Then you had to rainch out all that gross stuff that was left sticking to the sides of it. And then you got this here rainch dressin that I'm dippin my fries in. And then there's that rainch where we rode horses in Mawn-tana."
I was almost in tears. Then Lucilla grasped the concept.
"Oh, like how we're sittin in these cheers eatin breakfast and we used to be cheerleaders in school."
"Yep. And how the water level in the sank sank when Buck fixed it."
Lucilla laughed "Ooh, and tar! Like the tars on the car and the road is made of tar too. And those two go together! What do you call it when somethin like that happens? It's umm, umm, oh yeah, moronic!"
"No, not moronic, Ironic. Moronic is those people from Utah on the bicycles that run from my dog when they come to my door."
That was all I could do. If I stayed any longer, I was going to bust out laughing and then Carl and Buck would feel compelled to beat me with a rainch...er...wrench.
Until next time...
Historian, self-proclaimed gentleman, agrarian-at-heart, & curator extraordinaire