By Sam Burnham
So there is this map making the rounds on Twitter right now. I know it has been around for a few weeks but it has just now peppered my feed. The map is compiled by an online dating service called Hater, which pairs up couples based on the things they hate. People use this service trusting the theory that the enemy of my enemy might just be my soulmate. I figured it might make a decent diversion from the recent unpleasantness. So let's exp;lore it.
Let's start at home, where all good journeys begin. Tuna salad. It's neither tuna, nor salad. I mean, I guess it's tuna. But it's like the baloney of tuna. Let's not waste anything so we'll can the parts that don't make a steak and people can stir it up with mayo and never ever quite enough other stuff to make something that I've wanted to eat. No thank you.
Florida is chopped off the map but they said licorice so we aren't talking about them anyway. I think the heat is getting to them.
Let's go to Maine. They chose Asian fusion. It really makes you wonder about that food. When all the Mainers come out in the spring (sometime in mid-July) after sustaining themselves for the entire winter (which began in early September) on whoopie pies, Moxie, and pine bark with melted snow gravy and announce their hunger only to have someone off them fried dumplings, they mutter "no thanks" and go looking for something else - ANYTHING else to eat.
Some of these things are not food. New Jersey chose gas station wine. I'm guessing they mean Mad Dog 20/20. Washington DC chose turkey bacon, which is also not food. Iowa chose quinoa which is a lot like eating sand, just not as flavorful.West Virginia hates tofu and Oklahoma hates veggie burgers because those folks have to actually work for a living. I ate some tofu once on accident. I immediately went to St. Mary's for confession. I'm not even Catholic.
California. Bless their hearts. No one hate's Chic-fil-A for the food or the customer service. California chose because of politics. Must be all that tofu they eat.
Missouri hates the last bite of a hot dog. Do they realize if you turn it around that it will be the first bite all over again?
Louisiana. Cookies with raisins Sounds harmless enough. But have you ever took a big bite of what you thought was a chocolate chip cookie and feel that oatmeal raisin sensation on your tongue? Oatmeal raisin cookies are fine on their own merit but they ambush you and therefore can't be trusted.
Virginia hates dabbing pizza grease with a napkin. I'm not sire they understood the question. But I do bet that is better than quinoa or tofu.
Historian, self-proclaimed gentleman, agrarian-at-heart, & curator extraordinaire